Wii Owner Update

Last week I posted asking for advice on my Wii system that had been sitting in the back of my closet. I had offers from a couple of friends who were interested in buying it, and I was considering using it for a few days before I decided. Well, I used it for a few days, and here’s my verdict (hold the applause). I rented Epic Mickey from Blockbuster over the weekend, and have been playing it this week (Good: fun homage’s to cartoons past – Bad: the camera angles were often very frustrating and the gameplay a bit repetitive and juvenile). I really have been charmed by the unique control possibilities offered by the controller and nunchuk (I can see this being great for sword fighting games), something I previously thought I never would. But most appealing is the possibility of downloading old games. I actually went ahead and bought a wireless router last night so I can use this out in the garage (where I usually play games), and successfully bought some Wii points. Tonight I’m planning to either buy the original Legend of Zelda or Super Mario 3 to relive some of the old magic of those clunkers (only three bucks each!). I’m sure others will follow (Castlevania games for sure. Hmm…I wonder if the original Metal Gear is available?). So it looks like my Wii is here to stay. I still want a 360 and PS3 soon, but this should occupy me enough so that I can wait until all the great after Xmas sales in January.

Zombie Invasion Dream (sans zombies)

Last night I had an interesting zombie dream. It had no zombies in it.

Now, I should have been dreaming about Mickey Mouse. I’ve had a couple of people offering to buy my Nintendo Wii (see this recent post) from me, since it has been sitting in the closet collecting dust since I won it at the office Xmas party last year (this year I just won a shiatsu massage pillow from Sharper Image). I decided yesterday that I had better try a real game out on it, so I went to Blockbuster and picked out Epic Mickey to rent for a few days. Now, I am not a huge fan of the Mouse from the Disney House. I find him bland and lacking in any kind of depth (unlike the always awesome Goofy), nothing more than a corporate shill. And I haven’t been to Disneyland since I was a teenager there on a date (I hate lines and crowds and phony baloney cutesiness, so there ya go).

Anyway, I got it because of all the hype, and I played over three hours of this Mickey Mouse game, and that much video gaming at night will usually lend itself to dreams inspired by that game for me, but no go. It was zombie apocalypse all the way.

But this is the weird part. No zombies. Oh, they were out there all right. I mean, my dream self knew it for a fact. I don’t know if this was because my mind did not want to scare me. I’m pretty zombie-out, actually. I’m enjoying The Walking Dead on TV, but really, after I saw the excellent Shaun of the Dead, and then read World War Z (and also listened to a lot of the audio book for that), I figured I had experienced all I needed to in the world of animated corpses. So I’m thinking my brain just decided to go for the human element. It was all about dealing with other survivors.

Early on I was alone on an office building rooftop. I started out with a handgun. It was a glock at first I think, but at some point when I checked the bullets it was more like a revolver. But either way there I was, looking down on the city and seeing other people running around, or on other rooftops. The zombies I guess were down on the streets where I wasn’t looking.

Soon I was joined by a hot blond chick. I liked that. I lead her around by the hand as we left the roof and went down into the building, which seemed to be not an office building, but made up entirely of stairwells, hallways, and huge indoor parking areas. Nameless blonde and I were soon joined by others, and we all discussed our options and things to do. At one point a side door was opening, and I ran over to cover the door with my gun. I tried to shoot, but I didn’t know about the safety. Good thing, because it was a big black security dude. He drew on me, but luckily he did not shoot. Maybe he didn’t know about the safety either.

My group and I came across some other folk in the parking area, and it was on the verge of violence. But I spoke up as the voice of reason. “We need to come together. We are the survivors, and maybe the last humans around. We need each other.”

That was about it. What a gyp. I can’t fly in my dreams, and I guess I can’t run n’ gun on zombies either. Maybe this was a lesson for me though. Maybe my brain wants me to think things through and take a more peaceful path. But shit, I really would have loved to have shot that gun at least once in my dream. I bet I would have, if I had been playing Halo instead of a damn game about a helium-voiced rodent.

The Angry Villager Rule

This item on page 24 of White Box booklet 3 really stuck out at me as I was preparing for the OD&D session I did on my birthday:

“Anyone who has viewed a horror movie is aware of how dangerous angry villagers are. Whenever the referee finds that some player has committed an unforgivable outrage this rule can be invoked to harass the offender into line. Within the realm of angry villagers are thieves from the “thieves quarters,” city watches and militia, etc. Also possible is the insertion of some character like Conan to bring matters into line.”

Note the sweet Conan reference. You can imagine Arnold showing up “Ah am He-ah to bring mattahs into line!”

James over at Grognardia sure has a point about old Universal and Hammer horror movies having a load of influence on the game. And here it’s obviously being used as an abstract tool for a DM to bring a douche bag player into line. If the DM does not approve of the slaughter of an innkeeper or the rape of a lass by some social ‘tards chaotic evil assassin, he can drop this sack of bricks on the offending munchkin. Mr. Evil is confident he can take the farmers and milkmaids in the tavern room, but when one of them runs out and riles up the locals you can literally have hundreds of peasants with torches and pitch forks up your power gaming ass! And if they are getting cut down like wheat on harvest day, just have a certain Cimmerian or reasonable facsimile show up to lay down some smack.

It smells of DM “cheat,” but hell, I like it. I need to remember this rule for my 1st edition games.

Birthday Game/Birthday Wishes

I have never made much of a deal out of my own birthday. I for sure usually don’t skip work, and don’t talk it up there like a lot of people do (there are people here with balloons in their cubicle from 8 months ago). I don’t like parties in my honor, and I don’t like discussing my age (after I hit 40 I stopped telling people, at least at work, how old I am) even though most people who know my true age tell me I look at least 10 years younger than I am. Must be all that clean living *cough*.

As it just so happens, it’s a game night tonight, so for the second time in three years I’ll be spending my birthday night with the gaming group. Thank God most of them are drinkers. Anyway, I enjoy DM’ing on my birthday, and tonight I’m going to continue our occasional White Box old school dungeon delve. Some nice relaxing fun compared to the uphill struggle that is my AD&D campaign (a torture of my own design). I just gotta find a way over to Andy’s and home without risking a birthday DUI.

Anyway, I would like to divide this post into two parts, each where I ask your input/experience. OK, first one: have you ever run a game on your birthday, how was it, and did you eventually wish you had just had a traditional birthday party (y’know, a night at the Super 8 Motel with a couple of hookers, a pizza, and bottle of Gray Goose)? Have you ever DM’d or played on a birthday?

And secondly, have you ever made a “Bucket List” of things to do before you die? I haven’t. To travel the world? Outside of some visits to Scotland back in the day, I don’t leave America (although I often hear Amsterdam calling my name). If you gotta pee in the street and poop in a hole in the ground, I don’t go. Date a supermodel? I think that boat passed me by. Get rich? Man, I’m tryin’. But anyway, below are some of my favorite Bucket List items from Adam Carolla’s new book In “50 years We’ll All be Chicks.” I relate very much to the pop culture nature of some of these, and I choose these things to do before I die. Do you have any?

*Disclocate my shoulder to get out of a straight jacket.

*Pull a fake mustache off someone and shout “Ah Hah!”

*Shout “Release the hounds!”

*Stop a crime by throwing something. A guy steals a purse and starts running. I throw a can of corn football style and knock him out.

*Catch a punch and twist the guys hand until he drops to his knees

*Get shot and blow it off “I ain’t got time to bleed”

*Put my hand over the mouth of a beautiful woman to stop her from screaming and alerting the bad guys.

*Punch out my undercover partner who is about to say something he shouldn’t and blow our cover.

*Get kicked out of a casino for winning.

*Have a cape removed on stage.

*Be killed by the person I told to kill me if I start turning into a zombie.

*Dry-shave with a machete

*Drive my car off a pier onto a garbage scow.

*Box a kangaroo

*Fight somebody on top of a moving train

*Pop the locks on an attaché case full of money and slide it across the table.

*Silently communicate/point to my watch underwater.

*Fend off a Kodiak bear with a torch.

*Track somebody. I get off my horse, squat, then do that thing where I pick up a clump of dirt and let it sift through my fingers.

Comic Dork Monday: “You…you’re a duck?!”

Howard the Duck is very dear to my heart. He was my first real non-superhero comics character that lived among superheroes. At around 12 years old or thereabouts, I had been collecting comics for a few years. It was the late 70’s, and my parents decided to take me on a San Diego vacation where they would let me hang out at the Comic Con (yes, the very same Comic Con famous today as a place for Hollywood to whore its sketchy wares). Actually, two years in a row, but I think it was that first one I really loved.

My parents went and soaked up the summer sun for two days while letting the con babysit me until around 9PM or so each night, before picking me up to head to our much cheaper hotel down the street. There were two great highlights of my young self’s odyssey. First (and probably the best) was sitting by the pool with Mel Blanc in the afternoon. Mel had spoken earlier in the day at a panel, so I knew he was the guy who did the voices in my favorite cartoons. For some reason, others did not really approach him, but I went right to his table. I sat for well over a half hour with him (although as memory fades, it could have been an hour, or it could have been ten minutes), and he did voices for me and even sang a song as Speedy Gonzales (it was about a fat Mexican lady “…wanna eat, wanna eat, wanna eat, Juanita”). I did not realize the magnitude of that encounter until years later.

Another encounter I probably took for granted at first (until I saw him on TV on a show called “Wonderama” some time later hawking comics) was with Stan Lee. I listened to a group of a dozen dudes or so in the lobby who surrounded Stan as he kicked back in one of the lounges answering questions (he was really friendly to the fans as I recall). One of the guys there asked “Whatever happened to Howard the Duck?” Stan had no answer and somebody else chimed in “he fell on some rocks and died.”

Well, Howard did not die. He actually fell off of some cosmic steps in the Man Things comics, and fell to our earth to start his own series. This is where I discovered the joys of Howard.

In his first issue, a Conan send-up where Spider-Man also appeared, Howard fought “Pro Rata” the wizard accountant. Here he met Beverly Switzer, his lovely companion (and eventually sometimes girlfriend) who would be his sidekick for most of his run. Most of their adventures would take place in and around Cleveland for the majority of Howard’s 70’s popularity.

Howard was created by Steve Gerber, writer of a number of Man-Thing comics. Man-Things Florida swamp had a major cosmic nexus point in it (in addition to other fantasy goodies such as The Fountain of Youth and a wizard’s tower), and Howard was one of a small number of extra-dimensional secondary characters who encountered Man-Thing and adventured with the mindless hump of muck before getting his own comic. Gerber wrote the majority of the Howard’s first run, and often was at disagreement with others staffers about what exactly Howard was supposed to be. Gerber thought of him not as a cartoon character, but an actual talking duck from an alternate earth. Early Howard artist Frank Brunner actually left the series because he wanted Howard to be a cartoon that, like a Looney Tunes character, could be smashed and crushed and pop back unharmed. “Un uh” said Gerber, this was a living and breathing alien creature who bleeds and feels pain when hurt; by no means immortal.

In the late 70’s Howard ran for president in the comic, and I for sure remember Marvel’s heavy promotion of this, with buttons and everything. Even 7-11 got into the act with commemorative Howard cups. Yeah, he was getting fairly well known for a non-superhero character. Howard even had a newspaper strip for a couple of years. I was an eager Howard collector at the time, owning the first 20 or 30 issues (I Ebayed these a few years ago).

Towards the end of his first color comics run, Howard was plagued with a load of problems of almost biblical proportions. Gerber, who complained nonstop about other people’s approach to his creation, was removed from the series by the Marvel mucketymucks. This was about the time I had moved on from Howard, and had stopped collecting. But Howard continued for a bit longer in black and white magazine format. I do remember buying one of these, and it featured a suicidal Howard bemoaning his loneliness (girlfriend Beverly had apparently left and taken up hooking down at the docks) in a bizarre parody of It’s a Wonderful Life.

In 1978 Gerber sued Marvel over Howard, in the first such case dealing with comic creator rights. He was championed by many comic book luminaries, including Jack “King” Kirby, who along with Gerber created the hilarious Destroyer Duck to help with legal fees. Disney threw their hat into the Howard ring, stirring up shit over Howard’s similarities to Donald Duck, forcing Howard to eventually put on pants to look different from Disney’s asshole-ish foul. This itself was actually parodied in the comics, where decency groups cried out to pants poor Howard (despite his apparent lack of any kind of genitalia).

Howard popped up in the Marvelverse™ here and there, and even had another wack at this own series before the heinous abortion of a film that was thrown together by George Lucas (apparently in the workings since the making of American Graffiti). For this awesomely awful outing, Howards philosophical and existential nature was entirely removed for the sake of making him a nice, likeable guy (spew). As clueless producer Gloria Katz said "It's a film about a duck from outer space... It's not supposed to be an existential experience... We're supposed to have fun with this concept, but for some reason reviewers weren't able to get over that problem." Hollywood threw away its chance to feature a smart, adult wisecracking character in the Groucho Marx mold. Instead of the cool Howard from the comics, we got a tired, out of date Marty McFly type good guy. It did not work, and for me at least, the film was the nail in the coffin as far as Howard goes.

Howard has been fully off my radar since that movie, but like any comic character of worth he has been continued to be milked in one way or another over the years. I heard that at one point Gerber used Howard, the “real Howard,” in Image comic series such as Savage Dragon. Gerber owns this character, who in the Imageverse™ is undercover and goes by the name “Leonard” and dyed his feathers green. He even has gal pal Beverly there under a new moniker as well. Huh. Maybe she just should have kept hooking down at those docks.

Whatever goes down with Howard, nothing will ever come close to the sheer cool that this character exuded in those early days of his existential existence. Howard, you will probably never get another movie, and I think that is a good thing. Sail on, Ducky.

Wii owners, help a bro out

For the most part, I have always gotten video game systems years after they come out. When folks where digging on their Playstation around the year 2000, I was still plugging away with Sonic on my Genesis. When games were jamming on their Playstation 2’s, I was still going strong on my Playstaton 1.

For the most part it has nothing to do with cost (at least for the systems, I would never buy a new game at full price. As if.), it was that I didn’t spend as many hours on a game as lots of other people would. Unless I was burning my way through the better part of a twelve pack of Bass Ale, an hour or so would do it for me on any given night. Plus I liked to get games used, because I’ve got Scottish blood filling my veins and will rarely pay new retail price for anything but socks, underwear, and liquor. And when I like that game, I’ll play it a couple of times, unless that game is of the likes of Final Fantasy 7 that you can easily put 80 hours into and has no replay value.

Right now I think I am ready for XBOX 360 or PS 3. My mouth has been watering for around two years to play games like Bioshock, Dead Rising, and Fallout. Damn, these games all have sequels out already. Well, last year at the office Xmas party I was lucky enough to win the best raffle prize – the Nintendo Wii (a two year streak – I won a high end DVD player the year before. Maybe I’ll win a car at next weeks party). Although weaker in ability than 360 and PS3, it was at least a newer system. Alas, after putting maybe an hour into tennis and boxing with the game it came with, it has now spent around 11 months in its box in the closet next to the set of Spanish bagpipes that I paid 500 bucks for but never play (fucking toy).

For one thing, I have games I am still enjoying on my Original XBOX and PS2. I’m on my third run through on Knights of the Old Republic (I got inspired by my upcoming KOTOR RPG I’m going to do for the group to have one more run through), am still trying to get the motivation up to finish the very difficult Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth, and once a week or so regular group player Terry comes by for a couple of hours to play Baldur’s Gate: Dark Alliance 2 that I happen to have for the XBOX. But before this year is up I’ll be done (or fed up) with these, and will want to maybe give that Wii a shot before trading up to the 360.

So, maybe you can help me. I’m fairly unfamiliar with the Wii. I know it is mostly a kiddie/family system, and is famous for that Wii Fit stuff (c’mon, I get a better work out washing my Jeep). But what else is there I might have fun with? I know of Mario Galaxy from others who have the system, but I’d like something with a little more realistic and/or serious action for a grown up. I also know that Dead Rising was ported over to this, but I heard that it has features of the original that are missing (important ones, like the ability to jump over fences). So what would I like?

Here’s an idea of the things I like to give you an idea: I like mellow jazz, long walks on the beach, holding hands, fluffy kittens, and sipping tea while curling up in front of the fire with a good book. OK, I don’t really like any of those things. But heres some of my favorite games from older systems to give you and idea of what appeals to me (whether it be RPG, action game, or shooter).

Super Mario Bros. 1&3: what’s not to love? Mindless but challenging gameplay.

Final Fantasy 7: Taught me to love again. And also to have patience. I put 80 hours into it.

Resident Evil: Played all the regular ones in the series on Playstation, and then Res Evil 4, the best, on PS2. I played it through 3 or 4 times. Outstanding gameplay and story. Terry has this on the Wii, but I don’t need to play it on another system. I’m done.

Silent Hill: all the thrills and great gameplay of Resident Evil, with more creepy scares. Especially liked the first in the series, and The Room.

Castlevania: loved ‘em on the Genesis, and adored Symphony of the Night on PS1.

Fear Effect: 1&2, great action gameplay similar to Res Evil, but with interesting story, characters, and lesbo love.

Tenchu Steath Assasins: My one and only Ninja game. Played it a half dozen times through.

Dune 2000/Sim City 2000: yeah, I can dig a certain amount of Micromanagement. Makes me feel like a god, I tells ya! I especially loved the cinematic live scenes in Dune 2000, as well as the movie soundtrack used in it. Shamelessly used money cheats though.

Diablo: Oh yeah, fun fun fun top down gameplay. How could anybody who grew up on D&D not like it?

Champions of Norrath/Baldurs Gate: Dark Alliance: both with that winning Diablo style top down gameplay. Terry fell in love with CoN, and because of that I have a girl coming over a few times a month who I am not banging. Thanks a lot, CoN/BGDA.

Halo 2: Oh man, I can still pop it in for huge fun. One of the only shooters I ever got into. Great story and solid Sci Fi concepts.

So, anything you can recommend for Wii? Or should I just try to get 60 bucks or so for it on Ebay, and put that towards a nice used 360?

Top Ten Craziest AD&D Rules (part 2)

5) Nearly Anything in Unearthed Arcana

Sure, the cantrips were nice, and weapon specialization was popular with players, and already in-use in many campaigns -- but the unbalanced "new" PC classes (mostly cribbed from Dragon Magazine), the new sub-races of elves (why play any elf but a grugach or drow anymore?) really embraced the new "risk-lite" era of gaming, in which munchkin-ism was an assumed part of the game, and characters being anything less than superhuman was unthinkable. UA also introduced the new format of most TSR products from there onwards; the half DM/half player supplement. Which obviously never worked. DMs couldn't surprise players with the new info, since most of them obviously read the "for the DM's eyes only!" material. There is no honor amongst thieves, nor amongst gamers when it comes to players trying to beat their DM.


My take: UA blew me and my friends away when it came out. We used the new classes shamelessly, to the point where pretty much every character in games for around a year were classes out of this book. Cantrips, spells, whatever, I loved them. Never really used proficiencies, and don’t really use anything out of it in terms of characters these days. I let Big Dan run a female drow. There will be no more female drow PC’s in my game. Nuff said.

4) God Stats

If you don't want me to kill Loki, don't tell me how many hit points he has. It's as simple as that. Deities and Demigods went to great lengths in gaming-up pantheons (both real-life and fictional -- including the Melnibonian, Nehwon, and Cthulhu mythoi that would be excised for copyright issues in the third printing), which was sort of cool--but giving the divine stats is really just begging for them to be used as high-level monsters. Which, it was constantly claimed by TSR, was not the point--though the fact that TSR's own module Q1: Queen of the Demonweb Pits includes a climax in which it's very possible (if not exceptionally easy) to kill Lolth herself makes this claim somewhat dubious. Later editions have had their cake and eaten it too in claiming that these stats aren't the gods themselves, but their avatars on the material plane. Which is sort of cheating, but then again, so is claiming to have killed Zeus fair and square.


My take: Heh, I love that first sentence. Deit & Demi’s was a fun read on the toilet, but never got much in-game use out of it. Especially when I had created my own gods for my game world at around age 13. I actually got more ideas of of the book for my Call of Cthulhu games than I did for my D&D, although it was my reference for a Lovecraft inspired D&D campaign I did in the 80’s.

3) Material Components

Ah yes, the rule that turned all magic-users into ghoulish souvenir-hunters and gem-hoarders. This is one of those rules that some DMs used just to piss their players off--I mean, Identify is one of the most common spells cast by Magic-Users, and the material components are a 100gp pearl, and an infusion of an owl feather in wine with a miniature carp both swallowed whole. (Minature carp? Is that even a thing?) And at higher levels, the components get ridiculously expensive -- Shape Change requires a jade circlet worth at least 5000gp, Duo-Dimension requires a similar ivory cameo of the caster worth 5000-10000 gp, and even the fifth-level Wall of Force requires a "pinch" of diamond dust. It's pretty ridiculous, and with all the weird stuff that wizards would have to cart around for all their spells--gloves for the Bigby spells, balls of guano and sulphur for Fireballs, and rotten eggs for Stinking Cloud (you don't really even have to cast the spell--just throw the damn egg) -- it's surprising that Magic-Users in D&D don't come across more as the fantasy equivalent of cart-pushing bag ladies.


My take: yeah, it gets pretty stupid. In a lot of ways I think some of this takes the piss and fun right out of spell use. I really don’t like to have any component be all that rare or expensive. I for sure don’t make Big Ben’s high elf MU Lumarin in my game swallow a fucking miniature carp when he does one of his ID spells. Then again, in his particular case maybe I should just for laughs. Ben is sort of “by the book. ”Take that, sucker! Make a con roll to avoid choking on that fish and owl feather.”

2) Encumbrance

The ultimate rule that almost no one played with. There's no denying that it makes sense -- if you're striving for realism, there's no way that your character is carrying around much gold at all, especially if you're a thief relying primarily on stealth and agility. And especially in that case, encumbrance rules are pretty generous. But still, they're a pain, and most groups tended to fall in to one of three categories: those that ignored it completely, those that really only paid attention to it when it was egregious, and those that were granted a plethora of bags of holding in order to "realistically" be able to ignore it completely. And why? Because it's a dumb, real-life rule that gets in the way of, you know, actually having fun. It's the same reason most characters are still carrying around that one-week supply of iron rations, and generally don't worry about food unless they're in a tavern. It's the same reason that there aren't rules for potty breaks in the dungeon. It's the same reason there's not a table for seeing if you have a stiff neck from sleeping on a dungeon floor. Because it's a game.


My take: I’m pretty easy going on this. Although sometimes it irks. Recently Andy told me he was carrying three weeks worth of food. What, for a fucking hamster? Do you have any idea what three weeks of food would be like? And not just for a 6’3” fatass like me, but even skinny Andy’s three weeks of jerky and trail mix would be three shopping bags worth. Ah well, best not to think on it too much. Like alignment and components, Encumbrance is a pain in the patoot.

1) Grappling

This system has never worked in the history of the game. Non-lethal combat -- even just grab-moves in weaponed combat -- has always been a nightmare of a process, in every edition. Which is a shame, because a good tavern brawl should be easy to have. It would also be a pretty fun way to make combat more interesting--instead of just trading blows, you could actually grab that evil fighter by the hauberk and throw him across the room. But no, it's not so easy as just rolling to-hit. You have to consult percentages charts, figure out how many increments of 10% your strength is over 18, compare it to how many points over 14 your opponent's dexterity is, determine the kind of helmet your foe is wearing (open-faced? nasaled but otherwise open? visored or slitted?). And then, at some point in the process, you consult the "do you no longer care about actually following through with this move?" percentage on Table F.I.2: Loss of Interest. And if you're like 99.9% of the players who tried this, you eventually determine: "Ah, fuck it. I swing my sword."


My take: when AD&D first came out when I was a little kid, I could already tell by the weaponless combat rules that Gygax had never been in a fight in his life. Not only did I have two older brothers who were quick with a punch (go tell dad and he’d say in his thick Scottish accent “better learn to git yer hands up” before bopping me on the noggin with his huge, coal miner hand), I grew up in a poor version of now rich and trendy Venice Beach, and had to make the occasional statement to creeps who were usually smaller than me but thought they could box me around. Even before getting into boxing/kick boxing later in life, I knew how to take it to somebody’s grill. Needless to say, I had my own brawling rules very early on. I’ll post on that one day, fight fans.