Eldritch Wizardry was my first porno

Nowadays it is probably rare for a boy of 11 or 12 to get by without seeing nudity somewhere. With cable TV and the internets, it is damn hard to avoid it. But when I was a kid in puberty, I had yet to see my first depiction of a nipple. My folks were hard working lower-middle class catholic immigrants, and we didn’t exactly have a lot of fine art laying around. Most of my friends had older brothers who had treated them to magazines or lent them film reels, or that they had spied on them sneaking a girl into the house, but I had two older bros and there was not a nude woman to be found. They kept those National Geographic’s and underground comics well hidden.

I had seen some Frank Frazetta artwwork, probably on my brother’s Conan books that I would soon be reading, but those women being threatened on the covers were always a bit blurry, a mix of colors.

I think my first real memory of gazing at a monster’s boobs was a harpy somewhere in the first three books. Blackmoor? But it was 1976’s Eldritch Wizardry, D&D supplement III, that really got me going. I’m sure that cover made it so most boys under 18 had to keep it well hidden under the other books. I’m not sure my mom would have confiscated it, but it would have raised questions about this “game” I was getting into. Check out that blond on the cover, stretched out on some sort of altar. No high priest or monster is shown, but you know she is in some kind of trouble. OK, so maybe she is just a kinky elf chick giving a treat to her horny adventurer boyfriend, but I get the feeling something bad is going to happen to this naked wench. That mix of sex, fear, and violence may not be good for the development of a young man, but besides feeling of lust for her I knew she would be safe. If you count safe as being saved by Conan and then savagely ravished by him.

It is very interesting to note that this drawing of a sexy woman in such peril was created by a woman.

You look at that picture, and the filthy possibilities seem endless. It still turns me on. That body is so tight, that hair so perfect. Is she an elf, or just a gorgeous human? That fleshtone just shimmered in that brazier-light. I think I can remember the tactile sensation of the book, the roughness of that cover as I moved my hand across – um, OK, so this is getting weird. Calm down, Mac.

There are a few nice breasteses within the black and white pages as well. The Type V demon, the female with six arms and a snake lower body, is shown twice. Once under her entry, and again in an action piece where she and another demon fight a couple of adventurers. OK, she is a demon who would kill me just as soon as look at me, and the snake part of the body is a turn off. But man, those breasts, that face, that hair – at least that part is perfection. The six arms don’t bother me so much. Long before I DM’d, or even bought this book, I had a character killed in one of my first games by a type V that came out of a picture and attacked me. The sneering, cretinous DM (whom you can read a bit about in the first entry at mygaminghistory.blogspot.com) declared “she had some fun with you before you died.” Oh well, at least somebody had some fun in that game.

There’s a naked succubus within the pages as well. Cute face, but outside of the breasts her body looks a little mannish. Might be a tranny. Also, although she isn’t naked, there is a scantily clad young female cleric, very cute, summoning Orcus. Dave Sutherland’s art wasn’t tight, but his females were always hot, naked or not. A powerful woman is always sexy to a young boy.

Demogorgon is just alright with me

Seeing as I (for some reason) decided to dedicate the name of my gaming blog to this nasty demon lord, I thought it might be appropriate to make him the subject of my very first post. Props to Grognardia for inspiring me to write about a demon lord in the first place. Who would ever think I’d be musing about demons with tentacles and multiple baboon heads? Mother would be so proud.

According to Wikipedia’s non-D&D entry, Demogorgon’s obscure etymology is as follows: The origins of the name Demogorgon are uncertain, partly because the figure itself was of imaginary coinage. Various theories suggest that the name is derived from the Greek words daemon ('spirit' given the Christian connotations of 'demon' in the early Middle Ages)— or, less likely demos ('people')— and Gorgon or gorgos ('grim'). Another, less accepted theory claims that it is derived from a variation of 'demiurge'. The early Christian obsession with Satan and the vivid inhabitants of Hell are of Persian origin, while the magical context in which such imaginings thrive was Egyptian and Syrian.

Back in the day, when I first cracked open my shiny new Monster Manual, the drawings of the demons were what really caught my eye in those first few moments. Sure, the dragons are hellacool, but we had seen dragons a thousand times in our young, over -fantasizing minds. Here, right before my 14 year-old peepers, were the insanely powerful rulers of hell. The refined and royal-looking Azmodeus, the grossly fat and badass Orcus (these two might make a great Odd Couple inspired sitcom. Messy and Chaotic Orcus and neat, clean lawful evil Azzy).

Out of all the demons and devils, however, one stuck out most of all. Overall, Demogorgon has the look of a hitherto undiscovered greek monster – but a monster meaner and more pissed-off looking than any harpy or hippogriff. Sure, a pair of snarling monkey heads, tentacles instead of arms, and lizard feet are going to make you do a double-take, but it’s what you find out after reading that makes you do a spit-take. OK, so he maybe isn’t the most powerful demon, but the first thing the MM tells you is that this guy has a passionate rivalry with Orcus. You don’t fuck with somebody like Orcus unless you are either a badass or insane. Demogorgon is a lot of both.

Let’s take a look at some of his stats and powers, and let’s try to do it through my then immature eyes. Mind you, when I first read these demon/devil entries, my highest level character was around 3rd, and it took 5 or 6 games to get there. I had yet to run my first real game, but I could envision one day pitting this fiend against some higher level heroes (at that point 8th level seemed like an amazing level to reach, and Demo - G would make mincemeat out of a group of 8th levelers).

Demogorgon has the usual Godly stats that make a player cringe and clutch their favorite character close to the chest: -8 A.C., a couple hundred hit points, and high psionic ability You need a plus 2 weapon to hit him, but in almost any campaign with characters high enough to fight Demo-G all characters are probably going to be running around with plus 3’s or better. So no problem there.

Like most demons and devils, Demogorgon has supra genius level intelligence. Wow. That sounds really intelligent. I mean, Wile E. Coyote only had super genius level ability, and he could follow the instructions on all the high-tech Acme shit he bought. Supra was really out there. And how the hell do you portray a monster that smart? Could he never be tricked? Could he outsmart you, Road Runner style, into walking off a cliff or running face first into a wall?

Demo also has 95% magic resistance. WTF? So, hey magic users, don’t even friggin’ bother trying to fight this guy. Toss your items into his treasure pile, disrobe down to your loin cloth, and wait for him to get around to rotting your flesh off with his tentacles.

Demogorgon’s most troubling powers are in his heads. According to later information, these heads are almost always at odds with each other. But when they come together to wipe-out your party, look out. They will hypnotize you, and for one turn you will do what they want (you won’t kill yourself, but you would probably kill your own baby if so ordered), and for another 1-6 turns you will be disposed to doing his bidding like his bestest friend. For 1-3rd level creatures, the usual make-up of a typical army troop, he will hypno 10-100 people. So an average of 50 attackers (your henchmen and followers) are out of the running for a few turns. Hell, they are probably attacking you. Keep in mind this is automatic – only 15th level or higher creatures get a saving throw. All others are attacking their buddies, running away, or scratching and pecking at the ground like chickens. This is probably Demogorgon’s most dangerous ability.

Independently, the heads have pretty nice powers as well. The left one can vamp you like a rob of beguiling, and the right one can drive you insane with it’s gaze causing insanity for 1-6 turns, which isn’t much better than being hypnotized, but at least you will probably just do something random rather than Demo-G’s bidding. Oh, you get a break in that you get saves vs. magic against the individual heads as well. Hooray.

Demogorgon’s powers are rounded out by the usual “spell-like” powers most deity types tend to have: polymorph self and others, illusionary powers, clairaudience and clairvoyance (the one-two punch of godlings).

Demogorgon may not be compelling enough to base an entire campaign upon, but certainly his presence could be strongly felt in a dungeon setting. I’d love to run an “evils” campaign one day, and having Demo be a benefactor would be a great way to get a well-painted figure of him out on the gameboard, without slaughtering half a high level party. I just need to get a minature of him, and do a half way decent paint job on him.

Hey, how about this party of evils gets caught in the middle of Demogorgon and Orcus’ war on each other? Hmm. I’d better get figures for both.