Who says a wrestler can’t play Conan?

I like to toss that out there in comments on posts about the upcoming Conan dud. The reply I usually get is that wrestlers are hoarse-voiced morons who can do stunts but not act. OK, often they concede that The Rock can act, but I don’t think he’d be a good Conan. Way to ethnic for a character off Celtic roots. But is there anybody else in the WWE roster that could make the grade?

Well, to a degree gruff would be the way to go. I know fans of the books like to make it out like Conan spoke like some refined Rhodes Scholar in a high society tea room, but I don’t think that was the case. It doesn’t really matter how he came off in the text, we are talking about people who supposedly lived over 10,000 years ago.

Everyone after Ah-Nuld who played Conan, or any other barbarian for that matter, comes off sounding like an American Indian. Just enough of an inflection to give it that old world brute sound. In all honesty, I don’t think there is any getting away from that. C’mon, admit it, when you run barbarians in games you do that American Indian voice. You can do variations on it, but if you are going to be speaking in English there isn’t much else you can do. You are going to sound, one way or another, a lot like Daniel Lewis’ Hawkeye in Last of the Mohicans at best. “Stay alive, that’s all I ask. I will find you.”

So who are my wrestler picks to play the big bounding barbarian? Let me first say that although I enjoy watching wrestling from time to time, and have a “Smart Mark” understanding of the ins and outs of the industry (I’ve read a couple of biographies of folks in that business), I’m not a fanatic. I know a couple of dudes who are, and they always know way more than me about what is going on in the weekly shows than I. But yeah, I guess I am a fan.

Randy Orton: son of old school wrestler “Cowboy Bob.” Randy has a lot of lean muscle, and is still in his 20’s. He has a steely stare, and can look both mirthful and melancholic when called for. A year or so ago he could barely cut a “promo” (you know, when wrestlers talk to the camera and say stuff like “I’m going to rule the world!”). Wrestlers typically don’t get acting or speaking coaches. They buff out rough edges in their speaking by doing promo after promo, for years. Randy Orton has gotten a lot better, and I’m sure he could pull it off verbally. Plus he just has a killer look for a younger Conan.

Triple H: my choice for an older, “King Conan” era Cimmerian. Triple H rose to fame in the infamous “Attitude Era” of the late 90’s, when wrestling was less for the kids and more salacious and violent. Eventually, he married Owner Vince McMahon’s daughter Stephanie in real life, and is the heir apparent to the WWE Empire. He can speak well (although, yeah, a little gruff), and has the big muscle body and long hair perfect for the barbarian wearing a heavy crown.
Hell, if you are going to go with a dude best known for his role on Baywatch Hawaii, then you can only make it better casting Randy and Triple H as Conan.

As an aside, I want to say that despite having been a RE Howard fan as a kid, I still loved the Ah-Nuld Conan. Fanboys say there was not much Howard in it, but I disagree. The tone, the ethnic make-up of the populace, the primitive yet still fabulous cities, and even Conan’s little archer sidekick struck a chord with me. Walking around Zamora, munching Black Lotus and punching out camels. Whining and wenching, and scooping up handfuls of gems. How is this not Conan? I loved it, and think it still holds up as a great movie.