Believe me, this is not a comic book post but a gaming post. But let’s talk comics for a second.
Any older dude who read Comics back in the day probably fondly remembers the old Twinkie advertisements on the inside back cover. Usually, a major superhero like Spider-Man or Superman would for some reason need to use Twinkie snack cakes as a secret weapon to stop some bank robber or other low level street hood. That’s right, Spider-Man can dodge bullets and Supes can spin the earth backwards on it’s axis, but they need fattening snack treats to take down numbnut criminals, costumed or otherwise.
In this particular ad, Spider-Man is on his way home from the deli when he runs into a beautiful but deadly mistress of martial arts. First off, Spidey is a native New Yorker and Twinkies are what he gets at the deli? Huh. Second, why the fuck is he walking home? If he had gone as Peter Parker, would he have swung home? Who the hell is writing this shit, Rob Liefeld? Sheesh.
So while passing through Central Park (wow, Spidey does live dangerously) our hero runs into the formerly unseen by us villainess June Jitsui. Apparently Spidey has a past with her that we are not made privy to. Maybe a jilted booty call from before he met Mary Jane? We’ve really only see Peter Parker get lucky with white chicks. Well, anyway, you know what they say about Asian girls…
Oh my God, this apparently unpowered Chinese chippie proceeds to kick the living shit out of Spidey, who describes her prowess as similar to “running into a truck.” Why can’t this proto-mutant half spider take her on? I mean, he is superfast, agile, has a danger sense, and is strong enough to bend steel girders. And check out the kick in panel 3. What the hell? She obviously just phoned that one in. Looks like the kick a trucker would use to boot the rest stop hooker out of the semi’s cab. He couldn’t block that? Well, for some reason his webbing will not work without the awesome power of sugar and cholesterol, so it’s his bag of Twinkies from Morty’s Deli that saves the day.
June greedily eyes the Twinkies and brashly proclaims to them “I’m going to turn you into poo!” before scarfing them down. Well, ok, that line is actually from Family Guy. I’m trying to be a funnyman here.
OK, here’s the rub. At some point in the late 80’s I used June as a villain character in my Champions games. I shit you not! I needed a crooked sensei to operate a chain of martial arts studios that fronted for criminal enterprises, so I plucked June from this strange advert. I did however make the last name “JItsu” instead of “Jitsui.” C’mon, I have a little respect for my GM’ing rep.
She was around for awhile in the street level games that I ran. One martial arts PC even had her as a bit of an arch enemy. At some point somebody hired this guy’s enemies (including June, some criminal wrestlers, etc.) to attack him one at a time to weaken him. The third attack or so of the day was from June in a busy outdoor shopping mall, who actually bitch-slapped the already weakened PC around much like she did to old Web Head in the ad.
In the 90’s she didn’t really show up in my Champs games, and went back into obscurity.
I recently started doing some street level “Dark Champions” games as an alternative for my group, and for the first game I resurrected June Jitsu. I even still had a mini for her (that actually looked a lot like the comic book June). Thing is, it’s around 20 years later, so I made her a washed up entrepreneur who was down to just one studio in the bad part of town. She still fronts for her students criminal activities, but is a bit worn down. She smokes and drinks a lot now, and though still decent looking in her 40’s she is for sure not on her game as she once was.
After a couple of games the characters have yet to tangle directly with her, but that will happen next game (and who knows when that will happen – this is an alternate when I only have three players at a session). As used up as the dragon lady is, she still has some skill (don’t forget that mighty “trucker kick”) and I’m looking forward to her mixing it up with the PC’s one at a time or as a group. She is good enough still that one on one the PC is very likely to experience the smack down that poor, deli loving Spider-Man did that fateful day in Central Park.
Now go eat a Twinkie!
Addendum: from what I understand, June Jitsui appeared one other time in the 80’s. It was in a mini-series called “Fing Fang Foom,” a great old school Marvel monster character I loved, but never heard of the miniseries. Apparently, June appeared in some kind of Riker’s Island jail break scene (she is such a tough cookie they probably had her in with the dudes making bitches out of all the bikers, skin heads, and Mexican Mafia members).
Obviously you do not realize the true brilliance of Spiderman’s strategy. It was his plan all along to wear June down by hitting her feet with his face.
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